Fear, Hope, & Faith

Just taking a moment to share... This is not really an update on Lydon but more of just a window into my life right now as Lydon's mommy.  First I should say how very blessed I am to be  Lydon's mom.  He has a way of melting my heart and making it swell up all at the same time.  He's an amazing little boy and I am so very thankful and grateful to have been blessed with him and see him overcome the challenges that he has. He is so strong... so brave... our "Super Man"... and often times our hero.  That being said, I am so very nervous about the procedure we are scheduled for in a couple of weeks.  While I feel like being accepted into this new clinic is a good thing and could provide answers and the kind of care we have prayed for I am having a hard time calming my nerves. Those that are closest to me have tried telling me "not to worry" and to "have faith and leave it in God's hands." While spiritually (mentally and emotionally) I know that this is the right thing to do, its what I need to do and in fact, it's all that I really can do, I just cant seem to do it.  For me, the thought of putting Lydon under anesthesia again is not just terrifying scary, it's physical.  My stomach hurts at the thought of watching his little chest suck in and out as he struggles to breathe and seeing his tummy bloat as he breathes harder and becomes more acidotic. My head hurts as I think about the tears I've cried and the conversations we've had discussing our options with numerous physicians during these times.  My neck hurts and I have literal knots in my back and shoulders as I remember the nights without sleep or slightly sleeping in a cushioned window sill (literally). My heart aches at the thought of the pain and suffering Lydon could go through and for being away from my other two babies night after night and still not knowing if or when Lydon will turn the corner and get better again. Despite it all, I know that this is the right thing to do for our boy. So, somehow as I've done many times before, I have to find the strength and courage from within to soothe my stomach ache, relax my neck and back, and squelch my fears. And while as a Mom, my inner most self wants to crumble and give in to the hot mess of emotion I am feeling, I can not...I will not.  My boy needs me to find my hard shell and wear it! He pushes so hard every day against challenges that would get the best of many adults in a matter of days. "No, my doll I will not tuck my head under my shell and hide." I will stand behind it and fight for you just like I always have. I choose 'Hope'.... I choose to believe that even more prayers will be answered and that this will be your time, your season... that we will find answers through this procedure and come up with a plan with this new team that will allow you to play and not be oxygen hungry, eat and not vomit and sleep and be rested.  This is my wish, my prayer for you Lydon, my 'Joy'.  So as hard as it may be to ignore the physical aspects of the anxiety that I feel, I will hold on to my 'Faith' in our Heavenly Father which is so much bigger than my stomach ache, my headache or even my fear. No, it is not an easy thing to do and I have to keep reminding myself (over and over again) that HE is with me and HE will be with you on that OR table. Slow and steady wins the race!